untitled.
11.21.2005, 11:47 p.m.

sometimes there is a sadness that seems to consume every other feeling you have. it consumes not only happiness, but pain, anger, hunger, excitement, love. i feel like i'm in a box, a really tight, close, suffocating box. i can see the people outside around me, but i can't reach them.

i feel even worse after today. i wasn't supposed to know, but i overheard. my sister was pregnant again. i was thinking about giving her back her stuff, thinking about whether she would havea boy or a girl (hopefully a boy). i never thought anything of it. i mean, she has 3 kids, right? what can go wrong. nevermind this was an "oh shit, i'm pregnant" pregnancy. it didn't matter. exactly one week after she went to the doctor for her first pregnancy visit, she lost the baby. i keep thinking about my sister. i wish i could hug her, i wish i could talk to her, i wish i could tell her i have no idea how she feels, but she can talk to me or cry on my shoulder. but... God. i'm not supposed to know she was even pregnant. she was only 9 and a half weeks pregnant. i don't know if i should even be writing this. i just keep thinking about how sad my sister must be feeling. how lonely and isolated and.. just.. sad. they are thinking the pregnancy wasn't viable from the start. that would have been my fifth niece or my second nephew. it's amazing how fast you cling to the thought of a baby.

i feel ridiculous. after everything. i still can't shake the depression i feel. i just feel it all the time. i shook it for a while, in fact for over a year. i shook it when josh and i first got together. then it happened again when i got pregnant. after i got over the initial shock of being pregnant at 17. then i got exited about my baby. then, after the initial post-partum depression. i felt happy for a while. really, genuinely happy. i had forgotten what it felt like to be happy.

but now when my days are consumed with school, cleaning, cooking, taking care of sarah, dealing with tantrums non-stop. i just feel sucked in. i feel that same hopeless, unshakeable, lonely depression. i look in the mirror and i don't even recognize myself. i can't fall asleep at night, then i can't wake up in the morning. i get frustrated, annoyed, angry at the drop of a hat. over nothing. i don't have patience with sarah. i don't have patience with anyone, including me. i i don't feel hungry until it gets late at night. almost like an emotional hunger. i'm tired of feeling alone yet i'm afraid to get close to anyone.

i feel guilty for feeling depressed. especially with what happened to my sister. and with the people who have real reasons to be sad, because they lost a love one, their house, their job, everything. but i can't get rid of it. i'm tired of beating myself up. i've been struggling with depression since my early teens, if not even earlier. i'm tired of being told to "shake it off." it's not like a cold or hitting your funny bone. it doesn't go away by willing it (though there are people who say it can be). i don't want to go back to a doctor. i don't want someone to tell me what to do. i have enough people all ready telling me what to do. i just want someone to help me understand why i can't get rid of this overwhelming sadness.

i have a beautiful daughter. i get good grades. i have support from my mom. josh is still around. and other various reasons.

i'm tired of beating myself up over this. i'm tired of feeling like a lifeless zombie moving from day to day. i'm tired of this whole thing.

i just don't know what to do. i just... don't know what to do...

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