justification.
3.23.2001, 2:22 a.m.

my girl is asleep on my bed. her front paw draped over her hind paw, her head rested on a pillow. her right ear flipped up. i wish i could preserve her. i wish i could cast a spell on her and make her live forever. because she truly is...everything. she's been here after mike got mad and signed off im, she was here after mike stabbed himself in the leg, she was here when mike left, she was here when i broke down, she was here. she's always been here for me. and she is really what i depend on. i'm like all those weird old people that talk to their pets, i talk to my girl all the time. i read her books. some people cry into pillows, i cry into my girls fur. i've referred to angel many times in my diary(s). that's how i got angel-devil, because of angel. i remember the first time i saw her. i knew she was the puppy for me. she can tell when i'm looking at her when she's asleep. her little eye will pop up and look at me. i'm in love with this dog. when she goes, i don't know what i'm going to do.

davey (aka mr. davey pants according to mike) signed my guestbook. for some reason, it made me feel better. i've always kind of looked up to him. i started to read his old diary around the time mike and i split up. and i could relate to him so well. it's kind of nice to know someone i look up to at least knows my diary exists. and signed the guestbook. i only talked to him briefly at mike's house, but you can tell his pouring knowledge out. he's really an awesome guy.

i was told tonight that i sound like a drug addict in here. i realized, after being shocked, that i am a drug addict. but not in the normal, stereotyped drug addict way. i'm addicted to paxil. if i don't take it, i go through withdrawl. i can't funtion correctly without it.

i need someone to tell me that i'm alright, that what i feel is justified, that i'm allowed to feel this way. the new shrink guy tells me (rather implies greatly) that i suffer from depression, but when you ask him, he won't commit to it. but i need that justification that yes, i am allowed to feel like i do. and no, i'm not wrong for feeling like this.

i have to get up early tomorrow to babysit kay if my mom doesn't stay home. luckily, i don't have to go to mike's house to babysit her. i have a lot more to say, but i am way too tired to type it now.

last - next