pissed.
09.07.2001, 11:30 p.m.

ok. now i'm mad. very very very mad.

i was in the middle of a very calm conversation about mike, except i got mad. nothing gave me that pain in my heart. i just got mad. i was never fucking insensitive. oh, yeah, i didn't cater to his every fucking whim about the divorce for one reason. i didn't know how. i don't know what it's like to have a parents seperation shake you up in that way. i mean, i listened, i consoled, i held, i did fucking everything. i even stopped MENTIONING it. when he was upset, i asked him "what's wrong?" he would say "nothing." i knew better than to go through the, then manditory, dragging out. because i'd get screamed at and told to leave him alone that he needed "space."

oh, and the fact that you fucking KNEW about the joke matt played, THAT is low. that is REALLY low. that is really...i can't even imagine.

and calling me a headache? oh, mikey dear, what in the hell are you thinking? do you know how badly i wanted to ring your neck sometimes? after giving me the same bullshit line, "i...i...um...went out for coffee with my mom." then, 2 minutes later saying, "yeah, i haven't seen my mom in a week." oh boo-fucking-hoo. i never brought up my problems when you were whining about your parents.

yes, whining.

i used to think it was sweet, much the way kate views it.

but looking back.

i was fucking used.

and that's a great feeling, lemme tell you.

anyway, if i was so annoying, and such a headache, you shoulda left me earlier. if you wanted kate, you should have gotten her. i don't care. i sure as hell don't care now.

i'm just pissed that you "pity" me. oh, comeon, i pity you. yeah, how about that?

i finally realized how selfcentered you were.

oh, i was too far away maybe, oh well. more power to me living in pennsylvania then.

no amount of distance can keep my disgust from doubling now.

i was calm, nothing hurt, i was just going through my day waiting to hear from exboyfriend, when BAM! i talked to a friend about things, and i realized "goddamn, i was fucking BLIND."

anywho, what sent me over the edge is mommy dearest said "you really can't control your internet use." um...did i not follow all your guidelines?

was i not supposed to do 6 jobs a day? (i did the dishes, i cleaned the bathroom, i picked up all your papers, vaccuumed, swept all the floors, tidied up the rest of the living room, and other various things). i believe that adds up to 6. and note: ALL THIS WITH ONE ARM!

while your husband made himself and you a sandwich..awww...so sweet...couldn't he have helped instead of sit on his fat ass while i unloaded the dishwasher?

was i not supposed to spend time with you? well, i woke up, came in your room and ate a bowl of cereal. we watched some talk shows. you started to clean, i started to clean. i helped you the best i could, tried to make things easier. didn't scream, didn't freak out, didn't say a negative word. which brings us to the next thing.

being pleasant. i was pleasant. didn't even freak out whenever mr. wonderful said "what did i ever do to you, miss queen pissy ass?" i just forced a smile and said, "nothing."

then, i watched tv with you while you and mr. wonderful slept. i laid there waiting for someone to wake up for almost 3 hours. but i thought the mtv video music awards were gonna show again, so i went in my room. plus i had nothing better to do.

so, i got online. oh, add that to the couple of minutes online before mr. insurance bastard came. i was pleasant, got you all water, answered the questions nicely.

i wasn't on it all day.

i got off by 2 am last night.

so....

not being on it all day: check. helping around the house: check. getting off by 2 am: check. being pleasant: check. spend time with them: check.

then why the hell are we all bitching about kristy about her not earning her "priviledge"?

beth, if you read this, did i not do what we talked about in that "talk"? i thought i was doing good. you told me to give it a try, and i tried, i tried really, really hard. but nope, i told you, they don't give credit. they take it for themselves.

i'm so pissed off i can barely see straight.

i want them all to go to hell...

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