out of touch.
01.10.2002, 1:39 p.m.

mmm. what to say. brendamom got her birthday gift and loved it. and that made me happy.

mike came home drunk off his ass. my mom was upset. i told her that she deals with the stress and hell of her life through eating and sleeping. he deals with his by drinking. her getting mad at him just compells him to drink more. and telling him to stop isn't going to make him stop. it will make him worse. he will only get help if he feels he needs it. and he thinks he does, he's just afraid of life without alcohol. as i am of life without depression and anxiety. except i have to face up and realize that i could live in hell, or feel better. he needs to make that choice on his own, no one can force him to. he's been in rehab, half way houses, all of it. and he always went back to it after he said he wouldn't. i always feel let down because mike was always a superhero of sorts to me, but i'm old enough to realize that what he's doing is wrong.

melancholy is how you'd describe my mood today.

i feel unsettled. nothing seems right. even with my contacts in, my vision would feel blurry. it's a day of little concentration. of deep thoughts that don't make sense. deep thoughts that are probably nothing more than thoughts, but take extra work to figure them out. and when i do, it feels like a mask is being shoved in my face.

my sister got me a snow globe for christmas. it's one of those snow globes you put pictures of your own in. on one side is a picture of me and maddie, and on the reverse is maddie and jack. i think it's my overall favorite christmas present. they are so precious to me. and i never get to see them. i hope that changes. i have it sitting over in the corner of my vanity. ontop of a candle i got down in myrtle beach 2 summers ago. at least that's where i think i got it... no, i got it in virginia or something, many many years ago. probably 5. either way, the side with me and maddie on it is facing towards me. she's like a little doll.

i missed an appointment with my therapist yesterday. i felt a huge amount of relief. i was hoping i missed it. i feel worse when in his presense. like.. he's this being who can cast judgement upon me. i've always felt that about therapists, wonder what their thoughts were. he lets me know what they are. if he thinks what i feel is wrong or stupid, he tells me. maybe not that blunt. but he does. my mom likes him. because he's a robot in her army of 'kristy pushers.' i'm back to dreading seeing him. i did the same with my therapist for 7 years, i hated seeing her. so i would tell her i felt better so we could space out appointments more. i started cutting when i went to her. then i went to the social worker under the psychiatrist. they were both morons who thought i was out of control angry. i said i only get of of control angry when my parents do stupid things, and he made me do an anger management booklet. i said i didn't punch things when i get angry. i bottle things up and let them eat away at me. he said that was damaging, i said it was better than expressing my opinion of being hit. he would tell me i was lying, and that my mom said that didn't happen. i told him to ask her for the truth, without my dad in the room. he did, and he got the truth. he said he was sorry, i told him i didn't want to see him anymore.

i liked the doctors i saw in the emergency room at the mental hospital. they were nice. but i was also in a daze. a daze that effects my memory of what happened, too. i don't remember what happened to clearly. besides being scared, but i thought i was going to be alright. i was, after i took care of myself. no thanks to doctors or my parents. i rather not go to a therapist. i don't like the ones they force me to see. i told my mom i didn't want to see steve anymore, and she said 'why? i like him.' i don't. i hate him. he's an asshole. she has a bad memory, so if i don't mention when i see him next or anything, she won't know.

i see the chick psychiatrist on the 24th instead of the 17th. they sent a letter that we needed to reschedule. as much as i like her, i don't like the little practice she's in. alleghany east is just fucked up. i get the feeling steve's in it, again, only for the money. i told him last time that i kind of wanted to leave, and he said i couldn't because he wanted to be paid for the full session. i wanted to cry. so i cried on the way home. i kept my face away from my mom and kaleigh so they didn't see. my mom doesn't see anyway.

i didn't go to school again today. i was exhausted and my mom slept til 8:30. she said she feels bad. i won't be attending this much longer, i can just feel it. when i was just one period, i didn't want to go, but i pushed myself. now i feel trapped and hopeless to the point of giving up. i think i did. i didn't do my homework, and though i previously threatened i wouldn't, i do. i'm a fanatic about homework and stuff like that. i like it done. and me not doing it is strange. but i'm not going to do it. i better, though. ugh. whatever.

josh called. no desire to talk to him or anyone. just want to be in my sad little bubble. he's putting hot dogs all over his bosses car. because his last name is weiner. and he's an asshole to josh. so him, tim, and joe are putting hot dogs all over his car. and josh works tomorrow night and saturday night. so i have 3 days i can just do whatever. i told him last night it's good he sees friends, and he says he does. and he told me that i should see my friends too. i laughed. i have no friends to see. the ones i do have only use me when it's convenient for them. and i'm not in any state of mind to deal with it like i did before. being jumbled between boyfriends, other friends, and school isn't what i want to deal with. i'm too. i dunno. it's too annoying. it'd be fine if my 'friends' were.. normal friends. but they aren't. they cheat on their boyfriends like it's the end of the world. they drink and smoke and do drugs. i don't need that kind of temptation again. because i'd end up like mike. a 27 year old who just went back to school so he can get a better than minimum wage job with an insane wife and crazy 4 year old child who is also an alcoholic and drug addict. i don't need that. i have enough fucked up things going on. i'm sick of being ditched by them, also. i don't deal well with abandonment. and the inevitable happens. i become inconvenient because i won't flirt with guys so they can fuck them. i'm not doing that anymore. it was stupid and degrading. i don't have the energy to build up new friendships and to maintain them. friendships seem like a chore instead of something enjoyable. so, i don't get involved with them anymore.

i guess i'm fine not really having any friends. i have plenty of online people i talk to. and that's almost better than actual 'real life' friends. i don't have to worry about an excuse to get out of parties or anything. i deal with parties like i deal with school, they are like getting teeth pulled at an incredibly slow pace with lots and lots of pain and no pain help. i don't dig parties. i don't dig large crowds. 4 or 5 people get to be too much. i feel like i'm going crazy. too much action. i'm just not into that whole scene anymore. anymore? i never was... i just don't want to be bothered with having and maintaining friends. call me stupid, self absorbed, whatever. i kinda like how my life is now. limited people. i said kinda, not i like. i'm not happy with it, but i have to deal with it. it's what i've had to do for a long, long time.

a few days ago, last week sometime, cyndi messaged me while i was away and told me to call her sometime. i'm not going to. i don't want to. i do, but i don't. i'm sick of being shoved off to the side and being picked up again after boyfriends leave or things get tough. i feel like a ragdoll. i've told her many times before, but she seems to think i'm the person doing it. when i get a boyfriend, i disappear, not her. which isn't true at all. a few times, yeah. hell, i've only had 3 previous boyfriends.

i'm going to go lay down and read. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't want to talk to anyone.

but i feel really alone. maybe even.. lonely? it's been a long time since i felt this out of touch with everyone and everything.

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