pukey again.
07.18.2002, 3:36 p.m.

today was another throwing up day, diaryland. but luckily, i was able to keep the anti-mausea pill down long enough to keep a turkey sandwich down. and i'm just waiting for josh to show up and care. not that he doesn't from far away, it's just i need him a lot more now than i did a few months ago.

it seems something is bothering him but i know him well enough to know that he won't say anything about anything until he is ready. and whenever he's ready, i'm here to listen. he's got a lot going on to. i just miss him all the time.

it's funny how things can change so quickly and just leave you wondering 'what happened?' i hate writing in this diary about anything because of people. that's it. people. it's funny i'm willing to start another diary before trusting even one-fourth of my readers. maybe someday you can all know how horrible of a person i am. and that will cause me to shut down all over again and say 'fuck you all.'

i don't care about peoples feelings much anymore. i don't care what people think of me. i'm learning that everyone is a big two faced hypocrite and that makes me sick. but whatever. that's why i have walls up.

i'm tired, worn out, and pukey. today is another throw up day, i haven't had a really bad one in a week. but luckily i kept down a turkey sandwich and that pill. i wrote two emails to two people hoping they respond to the truth not as badly as some. and if they do, i say fuck the world. i want to go back to sleep but not as badly as i want josh here.

he should be here soon.

argh. i wish my honda was working, but it's barely driveable. hopefully we have enough money to fix it.

i honestly might throw up again. but for other reasons. i'm too stressed out and there's nothing i can do. things are changing and i want to stay in bed. i'm sad, but i feel a certain glow developing and it makes me want to throw things.

i feel violent.

and it's weird i can be so cryptic (or so i may think) and still get things out.

i'm tired. really really tired. i want to move out of this house but i don't have the means. i could move in with josh, but that would be bad. my mom's not thrilled about that, but i'll be 18 in october. and i can do what i want. i feel bad for everything. i say sorry entirely too much. when i shouldn't. i don't care.

i don't want to go back to the hospital. i want to overdose on these stupid anti-puking pills. but i don't know what the consequences would be. i've dealt with too many. and i'm bitter and spiteful towards a lot of people. but it's ok. because they suck. and they know they do, they are just too much of losers to admit it.

i'm going to lay down and keep reading until josh shows up. and then i'll be calm. because he has that effect on me.

oh yes, the other diary hasn't been created. and for now, only a limited amount of people can know the address. so. blah on you.

tata.

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