response.
11.16.2002, 1:15 p.m.

the baby shower is a week away and there is so much to do. thank god i'm not planning it or i'd be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

i don't know what's been happening lately, besides the nesting instinct has kicked in almost 100%. i've been cleaning and preparing and just generally excited. i'm worried, too, of course. but, what mother-to-be isn't?

i'm amazed at the amount of people who still think they know me, especially the ones who i haven't talked to in months, like, many months, 6 months and up. many people do know how i used to be, and know that these ways can repeat themselves, but when they talk to me, they tiptoe around it. i'm not a fragile baby, you can say frankly 'what in the hell are you going to do?' it seems people still view me as the fragile 'can't say what i'm thinking to her' girl i was completely. don't get me wrong, i'm still fragile, but i'm learning to not give a fuck.

when i was with mike, and even for a while after, if i had been pregnant, i would have said 'i want to kill myself' and turned it into a big thing and blamed the baby, and just wanted to die, period. josh has given me the reason to grow out of that. i'm stable now, for the most part. i don't see therapists or anything because they were telling me what to do and how to do it. they acted like everything was made up in my head, and i know some of it was, but not all of it. i had a tendency to make shit up to justify myself and what i was feeling. in short, i was delusional. i made things worse than they were by making up stories and all sorts of fucked up bullshit. and i lied about the stupidest things, especially to mike. there's really no real justification other than i was a sad, sick little girl. i was trying to justify my anger, hatred, and sadness. and mike just wasn't the person i needed him to be, and i wasn't the person he needed me to be. so, we dragged eachother into this hole of self-loathing and made eachothers lives hell. sometimes i wonder why i didn't see it. i think becuase i 'needed' him in my own way, i needed someone to tell me they loved me, even though at the time i didn't always deserve it. i made mike's life hell becuase i was living in an internal hell. i hated myself, i hated my dad, i hated my family, i hated my life, i hated everything that was wrong with me, and part of me hated mike because his life was so much better than mine. he didn't have to work hard in school becuase it seemed no one gave a shit, his family was still functional even through a divorce, he didn't have to get a job because his parents gave him the money he needed, he could spend money any way he wanted and not have to worry about the 'we just don't have the money right now' speech. regardless of what he said or wanted to belive, his parents both loved him dearly, his mom was just to concerned with what was going on to always show it. and then there was me, his delusional girlfriend from pittsburgh, pennsylvania. i think part of me wanted him to leave just so i could feel sorry for myself, so i made it harder for him to be with me, and when he finally did leave, i continued my delusions and made myself to be the sole victim of the relationship. i made him out to be the lowest scum of the world, while, in turn, it was both of us who were not that great. we were just not supposed to be together, we kept eachother down. through getting with josh, and realizing these things, i became stronger. i became stronger because i was able to discern between the delusions and lies and know some of the truth. and i felt, and still feel, foolish for some of the things i'd done because they were just downright stupid.

i've been with josh a year and a few weeks, and i haven't been stable our whole relationship. there were times when i still wanted to hurt myself and die, because i figured i was in a cycle. my dad treated me like shit, and in turn i treated him like shit, so that means that's how guys and girls interact. i had never seen (excluding my sister and her husband) how a real functioning relationship worked, but i learned through josh that what mike and i had wasn't a real relationship. i don't know what you would call it, sure i loved him, but it wasn't a healthy relationship. my relationship with josh started out kind of the way mine and mike's was the whole year we were together. but i had to learn that not every relationship has to be bad. just because i watch everyone treat my mom like shit, doesn't mean i have to continue the cycle.

i guess what i'm trying to get at is mike does have reason to think i'm lying, because i did lie to him a lot. but he does not have any idea what type of person i am now. he hasn't known me for a long time, he hasn't seen how much i have grown up, or how much i have changed, how much i have learned. he has not seen what i have become, nor will he see what i will become. as for kate's note and my reaction, i honestly will never believe she has an ounce of concern for me in her entire body. of course i took it offensively, because first of all, she made it her business when she posted that message on MY notes page, when i was nowhere near ready to tell anyone at this diary that i was pregnant. she could have done it privately, she could have messaged me, not left a note for anyone to see. so yes, that upset me becuase it was not her place to tell, but she conveniently made it her place to tell. and now everyone is in a big fight (or was in a big fight) and once again, i'm the bad guy, when no one realizes that it was not kat's place to tell, but i understand she slipped, it was not mike's place to tell kate, but what can i honestly expect? and it was in no way kate's place to leave that note. they could have continued their lives and completely forgot about me, like they had previously, but i guess i fuck up, and they think it's the event of the century. and i know they will probably read this and laugh and find it a riot, but i honestly don't care. they live there, i live here. everyone fucks up in their own way. and every action we take can have a permanent mark that it leaves with us. you decide to drive your car crazy? you could die or become paralyzed or whatever. do drugs? get in trouble and go to jail, overdose and die, overdose and because a potato, or become addicted and live like my brother. then, of course, there's have sex, which involves diseases, heartache, and pregnancy, among other things. mine just happens to be pregnancy.

but what everyone is forgetting is that this is my pregnancy, this is josh's and my baby, this is another life that was created, and just because people dislike me, does not mean they have to curse our child. she has done nothing to anyone, she is a perfect, innocent little being who does not deserve to be judged before she even makes her appearance, and i resent that they take it into their own hands to call me names, but i was kind of expecting it, even though i hoped otherwise. but judging josh is not their place, mike met him once, mike, and especially kate, do not know him or what he's about or what kind of person he is. and i honestly believe, with every bone in my body and the same with my mom and a few other people, that if i had gotten pregnant while with mike, he would have left. and instead of people saying 'josh is a good guy for staying,' they are calling him trailer trash and whatnot. when he is doing what is responsible and right. regardless. he does not have to stay in a relationship with me, i told him that, i just want him to have a relationship with his daughter because she has done nothing. it's not her fault i'm pregnant, it was our fault for not being more careful. but i will never punish my child for my actions, because she has nothing to do with it. she's a miracle regardless of me being 18.

i ignored kate's message on my notes page, but kat didn't want to. and i never intended kat to. and i was hurt by what kate said, and josh was massively pissed off. he doesn't have a diaryland account, so he did it of his own free will. and kate, honestly, i wouldn't feel guilty about calling you a 'shitface.' but whatever, i'm not saying you are one, i'm just saying i don't lie like i used to.

you can both take this how you want to, you can take this as me diary flaming you both, calling you names, blaming you for things. but this is simply me talking. i fucked up a lot. now, and when i was with mike. and my dad is of concern to neither of you. he does not want us to keep the baby, he is protesting the baby shower, he is protested my getting ready for the baby, he is protesting the fact that i am pregnant. he wants us to give the baby up for adoption so we can pretend like it never happened. he does not acknowledge the baby, he won't look at sonogram pictures, he won't speak her name, or even of her. so, you can not believe me about him, or about the pregnancy, or about the fact that i've changed, it doesn't matter to me. the fact of the matter is, i'm trying to do what i feel in my heart is right.

and to the people who have been supportive and nice and left encouraging messages, thank you. you have no idea how much i appreciate it.

and once again, this was just an entry, no flaming, just talking. and i hope it doesn't spark the arguments up again. i was just trying to calm down, step back, and get a different perspective. i just needed to get away from it all. and i did.

and i guess that's all i have to say.

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