moodiness.
02.09.2003, 4:52 p.m.

i wonder if it's empowering to have someone want you even after your gone. i wonder what it feels like to break up with someone and still have such a strong grasp on them that they can't stop talking, thinking, dreaming about you. i wonder if it makes you feel valid. i wonder if it makes you feel like shit. i'm sure to some people it does, but to most, it probably feels very empowering. they probably feel like they have such a strong grasp on you, that you are so totally into them, but they won't give you the time of day. i wonder what it's like to not suffer from a broken heart after a break up. i have no idea why this thought occured to me, but it did.

i think i'll keep the pregnancy out of this diary. that way i have two diaries: a pregnancy/baby diary and this diary.

i stopped taking my anti-depressants because in my 8th month of pregnancy my doctor suddenly decided he didn't want to give them to me anymore. he said it might effect the baby. my mom and i both thought 'if she's had it for 8 months, if it was going to effect her, it would have already done it.' i've noticed a difference in my moods, behavior, and feelings since i've stopped, but i guess i'm the only one. i notice my depressive slums have been here a lot. everyone tells me it's just because i'm a week and a half, almost 2 weeks, after my due date. but this feels like depression. josh says i seem fine without them. he and his mom supposedly want me off of them, but whatever. i don't like being sad. and i don't like being told what to do about things like this. no one has to deal with feeling this way, i do. and it seems no one wants to deal with me when i feel this way, but i do. i'm sick of being moody. i'm sick of feeling sad. i'm sick of reading too far into things. it's ridiculous. i'm afraid because i'm starting to feel like i did when i dated mike. and that's part of the reason i made his life hell. i felt like hell, so why not make him feel like hell? neither of us were very stable. but regardless, i read too much into things.

the only thing is, when i was dating mike i always wanted him around, and now i feel like telling josh to not come around. maybe part of it is when he is around, he's not around. i think he's starting to become really nervous and afraid. but regardless, it's either the tv or tribes (which is a video game). he's completely thrown himself into tribes. it doesn't bother me much, it's just sometimes i wish he was more... there, and not just here. if that makes any sense. i'm just frustrated and sad. he's not coming over today until after work (which could be as late as 8) and i'm smomewhat relieved. i don't have to pretend to be happy. because i'm not. i'm miserable. sometimes i wonder if he really notices when i feel like shit. part of me is glad he doesn't, because then he won't get sick of me like mike did. and part of me wishes he would realize why i hide my feelings even moreso now. he gets upset when i'm upset. a few weeks ago i told him i was beginning to feel like i did when i was dating mike and he got upset. i can't vocalize what i feel because i'm sick of trying. i always try not to upset people, and it never works. they get upset and blame themselves, or just try to appease me.

don't get me wrong, josh is wonderful. i'm just going through too many emotional changes at once, and i don't think he really understands that. and sometimes i just need to complain.

josh went to go hang out with his friend joe last week. you may remember joe from entries from october or november of 2001. josh had said he wanted to hang out with joe, but he didn't want joe to get all pissy because josh 'ditched' him. i told josh i never said he couldn't hang out with anyone, in fact, i wanted him to. he said he knew. so, he went to hang out with joe after talking to him a few days before and joe spent the whole time on the phone with his girlfriend. and then joe told josh to leave, so that made josh really pissed off. which, i can understand. joe said he wanted to hang out with him, and josh made the time (josh is extra busy again with school and work and such) and joe pretty much told him to fuck off. i still think josh should try to hang out with joe again, but josh is pissed off. sometimes boys are like girls.

and i feel, once again, like the girlfriend who's boyfriends friends hate her. i never told josh not to hang out with his friends, i actually want him too. i only told him i didn't like it when he hung out with this one guy, brian. i told him if he hung out with brian, i didn't want to be around him that day. when he hung out with brian, he got really pissy and mean because brian is the type of guy who just constantly makes fun of you and picks on your weak points and i just don't like him. so, josh stopped hanging out with him. i just don't want his friends to think i try and manipulate all his time, because i don't. if josh wants to hang out with someone, i don't stop him, or yell at him, or guilt trip him or anything. i say 'have fun.' in that sense, i've matured a lot. it just bugs me. but then again, everything has been bugging me lately.

i don't think i'm going to write in here anymore today. it's not helping and i can't really say what i want to say how i want to say it. so there's no point in trying.

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