postpartum.
03.23.2003, 5:35 p.m.

i'm thinking i need a break from life. moreso, the people in it. my parents (mom moreso) are talking about a vacation to myrtle beach for them, me, sarah and josh. it just reminds me of the last time i was there. and the fact that i will never be seen that way again.

i don't know if i mentioned sarah's ear in the last entry. how it was scraped and scaley. i mentioned it to the doctor in the hospital, at her 1 week check up, and then again at a month. he finally gave me some ointment to put on it. well, wednesday, i had to take her back to the doctor because it started bleeding and it cracked along where it meets her head. this time, the other doctor gave me this other ointment, an anti-fungal steriod type deal. so now, i have to put on the other ointment and this new ointment on, alternating each time, 3 times a day each. she screams like i'm killing her each time. and it's still cracked and looks sore. i'm going to give it a few more days. it looks better, just not a ton. who knows.

i keep thinking of packing up everything sarah and i need and just leaving. then i won't have to worry about all this. because i now i could make it just sarah and i. it would be hard. but it feels like that's pretty much what i'm doing. other people hold her, change the occassional diaper. but i'm there every second. i'm with her at night, i feed her, i change her, bathe her, clothe her. the only aspect of caring for sarah i can't cover right now is financially. and i might as well be doing that, too. it would make less stress for me. because then i wouldn't have my parents trying to cause this drama and everyone else just taking a backseat. that's the story of my life. the backseat. i don't mind taking a backseat to sarah or sarah's needs. i do mind sarah's needs taking the backseat. because in the long run, she feels like all i have. which isn't good. but it is in another way.

packing up, just sarah and i, would eliminate a lot from my life. the people popping in and out whenever they feel like it, people 'showing her off' whenever they feel the need, then disappearing until they feel it's time to waste their time on her again. it would eliminate people who i really couldn't care less about, and who really couldn't care less about me. people who would just take the novelty and not the responsibility. people told me repeatedly, my family mostly, that i couldn't cope with being a mom, that i'm too lazy, selfish, whatever. when in reality, they should look at the people around me and then try and say that.

i have to be vague because god forbid i say this or that. because, you know, everyone says they don't take things wrong, but they do. everyone does. they take everything as me saying 'well, you're a horrible person.' i can't say anything because 'you know, kristy, you don't have to say everything you think or feel.' so i do have to keep it bottled up inside. diary after diary was always censored somewhat. now i have to censor everything.

no one really sees things the way i do nor do they try when i try and talk to them about it. it's pointless, really. because everyone will always see things as black and white as they want to. and when i chose to see things that way, i'm wrong. no one stops to think about that. it's always someone else's fault, never their own. and when it is their fault, i can't just say so. it's all very one-sided. it's one-sided from me too. i just feel very trapped in a situation i'm sick of. and there's nothing i can do about it. because everyone wants it their way. as long as their adgenda isn't compromised, it's fine. i have to bend, and twist, and change, and break, and tolerate, but everyone else can continue on their merry way.

i just want to say screw it all. but i'm in no position to. it's easier not to talk because then i don't hurt peoples feelings. i want everyone who has hurt me to get hurt in a big way, and then regret hurting me. it'll never happen. because people say they are sorry, but they are only saying it to make themselves look better.

i just feel like screaming and crying and killing people.

i guess i just really want the postpartum stuff to go away.

last - next