a reply of sorts.
03.24.2003, 11:45 p.m.

(note: this will not make sense to anyone. though you can probably figure some out.)

i'm not sure how to approach everything you wrote. simply because there are still, no matter what, things i can't imagine even beginning to tell you. maybe i still need the antidepressants, maybe it's just postpartum depression, maybe it's just the fact that having this baby changed the way i see a lot of things, and i don't see aspects of you changing the way i did. which is not meant negatively, it's just meant the way it is. things about me changed more drastically. as unfortunate as it is, i have more of the reality of this than you do. maybe it's not unfortunate, maybe it is. it's all in how we deal with it. and so far, things have been running along as smoothly as, i guess, they can.

i have come a long way since i met you. meaning in 8th grade, when we originally met, and way back in october 2001 when we started unofficially dating. back then, in october 2001, i was broken. i can still remember trying to tell myself how to talk to you and what to talk to you about and what to not say in bruster's parking lot. but talking to you has always been too easy. you look at me with those blue eyes with that acceptance and expectance and i can't help but talk. which makes it harder for me to keep things from you. i can remember mary getting all excited and telling me she wanted all the details. i hadn't had that in forever. actually, i'm not sure if i ever had that. all my friends were too concerned with themselves. and that's why i'm the way i am. i remember how heartbroken i was after the summer. between mike and my dad and my mom and just everything, and you made me feel ok. you were the first person in years that didn't care if i was depressed because i was special k, among other names. and you and i did stupid things. we didn't have to be mature all the time. i didn't have to care who was in office, a democrat or republican, i didn't have to understand everything because you were always there with some explanation that made sense. you made me feel like a person again, not a problem, not a girlfriend who wasn't someone else, not anything but kristy. i hadn't been that in a long time. i was someone to be annoyed by, someone to avoid, someone to play jokes on because i was vulnerable. i was just someone to leave behind then laugh at.

lately, i don't know what's been going on. my heart isn't in things the way it used to be. i feel betrayed by myself. i am still having trouble coping with the fact that this is my life. and the fact that i missed the tori amos concert hurts. i've been waiting to see her for how long, and she comes, and i couldn't leave. partially of my own doing, partially because i just couldn't. and i feel like that's one reality i have to face that you don't. and i don't necessarily want you to have to face it. part of me wants you to because i have to, but it's ridiculous. some days i just want to be 18. or go back to the time before i got pregnant and redo things, but i can't. that's one thing pregnancy taught me, you can't dwell on things because they won't change.

sometimes i do feel like people say things to me to appease me. or they will say 'i'll help you out' and don't totally mean it. i'm beginning to feel beyond help. as you said, i don't deal well with stress. and that's my life. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, i'm on call. sometimes i wish someone else could feed her or change her, but i can't do that. i guess i'm playing out my feeling abandoned at times by my mom by taking on everything at once. i have to do it. then no one can tell me i'm being lazy or pushing the work off on someone else. i've always been around guys who expect women to do everything, so it just comes naturally to me.

when you say you can't believe what you've become now, i don't totally understand what you mean. everyones words sound empty. because the second i believe someone, i open myself up to the same disappointment dished out by so many. and i'm sick of forgiving. i'm sick of being the bigger person and apologizing for things i didn't do. i'm sick of hearing the empty apologies. that may make me a mean person, but whatever. i'm just sick of being the one who is the butt of the joke.

i guess the other night when you went out with joe, i realized i can't do that. i never did it, and i can never do it. i wish i would have come out of my depressive coma sooner. that's what it was. a coma. i wasn't living, i was existing. and now i feel myself slipping back into that and i don't know what to do. i'm sick of relying on medication and other people. so i'm trying to fight it myself. and all it seems to be is an uphill battle.

i don't talk much about things anymore because there are things you can't understand. things i don't know how to approach. things i don't understand. and i feel like i have no time to breathe. and i've been expecting that since i got pregnant, because i knew we were going to keep her. it was just a matter of maturing to the realization. i knew i wouldn't have time for me, at least not for a while. and if my mom gets her way, i won't ever get time for me.

it's hard to think things through when you can't figure out what's wrong. and i want you to be on the inside too. i just don't know how to make that possible right now. sometimes i wish you could be here for a straight 24 hours and just observe. i feel like i do nothing all day, but i do. maybe after you saw what i did you would think i do nothing all day too. maybe you would agree with my mom.

i understand you hate your job. its a sucky job. but you'll figure something out, you'll find a new one. you always do.

i'm not growing tired of you. i'm growing tired of the situation. which includes you, but is so much more. i'm tired of the distance and the bullshit. but i'm not tired of you. not in the least.

there are things we both need to work on. and i'm not sure what everything is. right now, i'm just trying to figure out what's going on with me. and i can't figure it out. i'm trying to figure out what's going on with you, too. i can tell there are things bothering you, i'm just not sure if you know what they are or if you are ready to say what they are.

things just have to continue to be hard. we have to figure out how to work things. it just seems like you have less and less time.

and i guess that's it. it's after 12 and i have to get her to bed.

let me know what you think.

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