cruz.
03.27.2003, 5:07 p.m.

i'm leaving today, living it, leaving it to change
slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze, tongue tied, twisted are all my memories. celebrating a fantasy come true. packing all my bags finally on the move.
i'm leaving today. i'm living it, leaving it to change.

i wish i could understand what has happened. i wish i could understand why i feel so unsatisfied. i wish i could understand why i feel so distant. i wish i could understand what all i'm feeling inside. i wish i could understand where this feeling came from. i wish i could tell you everything. i wish i was stronger. i wish i felt like i knew you still. i wish i didn't feel like i had to hold you at arms length. i wish you understood.

as i'm driving i'm captured by the view, of so much beauty, the road becomes my muse. the heat is rising and my head soars through the wind. Cool, calm, collective is a child that lost a thing.
im leaving today, i'm living it, i'm leaving it to change. i'm leaving today. i'm living it, i'm leaving it to change. but somehow i'm missing, i think i really miss it.

i keep thinking things are getting better. then something comes along and i'm back at square one. feeling like a stranger to myself and feeling like no one cares. feeling like i did so long ago. and that scares me. feeling the doubts creep in from behind me.

don't walk away. and i'm feeling like i've never felt before. turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams. i'm free, finally free

maybe it was all my fault. i'm consumed with regret over things i can't possibly change. things that are now permanently in my past. things that make me hate me. things that make me think i'm better off alone.

slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze.

maybe i'm just meant to be alone.

i'm leaving today. i'm living it, leaving it to change. see i'm leaving today. i'm living it, i'm leaving it to change. i'm leaving today (i'm leaving it to change). living it, i'm leaving it to change.

i have a huge self destructive streak. where i want to get rid of everyone and everything i care about. and i'm in that phase now. i don't want anyone around that i care about. nor do i want to talk to anyone i care about. and the people i don't like, i never want to see. which presents a problem. i want to be alone. but i don't want to be by myself. and the majority of the time, i'm by myself. which i've learned through experience isn't good when i'm feeling this way. i guess i'm not alone because i have sarah. but she's only 6 weeks old, she can't talk or anything. plus, i don't want to talk to her about these problems. i've seen too many children affected in a bad way. i don't know what to do. i feel trapped. and in a way, i am. i just have to figure this out, figure out what i'm going to do.

living it, leaving it, said i'm living it, leaving it, living it, leaving it to change (i'm leaving it to change). but somehow i miss it, i think i really miss it...one day...

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