sitting in my glass house.
12.22.2003, 10:45 p.m.

sitting in my glasshouse
while your ghost is sleeping down the hall
watching the little birds fly
kamikaze missions into the walls
think i'm gonna stay in today
sit on my couch and watch them fall

lets just say i've had it. i've had it with the whole ordeal. i thought things were looking up, and then the shit pile falls again. i swear, if i didn't believe differently, i would swear i was born on God's "damned" list. i just can't keep up with it. i can't. sometimes i swear i'm not meant to be happy. no matter how hard i try -- we try -- things don't go right.

life just keeps getting harder
keeps getting harder to hide
darker it is around me
easier it is to see inside
and outside the glass
the whole world is magnified
and it's half an inch
from here to the other side

my heart is being hardened towards someone i used to really care about. i don't understand why it has to be this way. why did it start? is it because i found someone i care about? is it because i found someone who makes me feel special, loved even? if it is, then you really are all the things they say you are. or is it because he's not everything you think you are? i hate to tell you but you aren't even half of what he is. i've had it with you. i have. i can't stand you. i can't stand your name, i can't stand your face, i can't stand the fact that your my brother. i hope your happy with her, so then i can make you miserable too. no, i wouldn't give you the satisfaction. i just hope you realize what you've done -- and lost.

guess that push has come to this
so i guess this must be shove
but before you throw those stones at me
tell me what's your house made of
if you think you know what i'm doing wrong
you're going to have to get in line
for the purposes of this song
lets just say i'm doing fine
sure, i'm doing fine

i wonder how it would feel to be happy. i mean, truly happy. not having to worry about who's going to come along and fuck your day up. not having to worry about who's going to come home and ruin your good mood. not having to worry about who's going to screw you over next. not having to worry about all the things that keep pooring down on us. for some reason, i worry about this time. how are we going to recover from this? we've dealt with blows, but these blows keep coming. part of me wants to tell you to just stop and protect me. make me feel safe again. but i know you can't. there's too much going on. there's never a moment to catch our breath. there's only the slight chance of -- maybe -- ducking. i'm just scared.

trapped in my glasshouse
crowd has been gathering since dawn
make a pot of coffee
while catastrophe awaits me out on the lawn
think i'm going to stay in today
pretend like i don't know what's going on

lately i've been wishing i wasn't born into this house. i'm almost wishing i weren't born. where are one of those guardian angels that show you what life would be like if you never existed? i need one. i need one so they can change time. maybe they can make my life start over. so i screw up less, but still end up as us. maybe it's just christmas talking. maybe it's the hatred and the anger speaking. sometimes i want to take your head in my hands and shake it until your neck aches and scream and say 'I'M SORRY I'M NOT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE! BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! YOU DON'T MATTER! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A SPECK OF DIRT ON A WHITE FLOOR!' but i know i can't. so i just assume the position i've assumed so many times. sitting there, my head hung, chin almost touching my chest, my hands between my knees, my face turning red from humiliation and tears, and hatred and anger brewing in my heart. is it possible for both of you to have the same effect on me? where is the christian attitude when you need it? i know you don't have it, but hell, where's his? he claims to be christian, he goes to bible studies, promise keepers, classes, church, hell, he even teaches sunday school. both of you don't matter. i hate you both. and i say that without a hint of remorse. i. hate. you. both.

i guess that push has come to this
so i guess this must be shove
but before you throw those stones at me
tell me what's your house made of
and before you'll know what i'm doing wrong
you're going to have to get in line
so for the purposes of this song
lets just say i'm doing fine
sure, i'm doing fine

if either of you ruins my daughter's first christmas, i swear, you both will wish you were never born. i'd say you will wish i had never been born, but you both probably do. don't give me the fake 'i love you' shit and the fake 'it hurts me to hear you say that' shit. i want to ask you both something, how do you respect someone who isn't deserving of respect? because your who you are? fuck you. you show me your even 1/4 of a man, and i'll show you some respect. to me your nothing but a coward. a coward who hides behind his mother. or his wife. i'm sick of you raining this down on me. i hope someday you do go too far, so i can have the joy of snapping your life in two. just like you've done to me so many times.

sitting in my glass house
sitting in my glass house

i thought this would make me feel better. but it's not. your useless. i'm worthless. no wonder we're related.

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