Insignificant.
06.09.2004, 12:02 a.m.

I haven’t written here in over 3 months. I never thought I would be a candidate for one of those “This diary hasn’t been updated in over three months!”error pages. But a lot has been happening. I can’t keep up with myself anymore. I can’t keep up with life. I feel like I’m falling and I can’t get my arms out in front of me to catch myself. I sometimes wonder when I’m going to wake up and Sarah will be gone. So will Josh. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m afraid of this or want it to happen. Most of the time I’m scared.

This Saturday, June 12, 2004, ends my 5 year high school run. After the depression, anxiety and panic problems, pregnancy, childbirth, self discovery. It’s finally over. I have mixed feelings about this. Now I have to grow up. Not that I’m not all ready forced into adulthood because of my almost 16 month old daughter. But now I really have to become self sufficient. I start community college in the fall. I will start applying for jobs as soon as my head stops spinning. Wait. No, I’ll apply for jobs next week. My head will probably never stop spinning.

The end of my high school career reminds me of how it all started. Cyndi and I going to orientation together with a vow that this time, we’ll stay friends and mean it. She introduced me to people. She and I looked over our maps and schedules and planned our routes to classes. We were going to be Best Friends Forever. I guess forever is a really short time nowadays. I’ve been missing Cyndi lately. I’ve been missing the long talks on the phone and feeling like I have someone to confide in. I have too many secrets that I can’t tell this or that person because it will offend them. I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m sick of being told “It’ll all work out” or “Calm down” or “Don’t get upset.” I just feel alone. I feel like I want to be alone. I don’t want to be bothered. Yet I really want someone there. The only someone who is consistent is Sarah. I can’t tell Sarah that I’m not sure if I really want my life to go the way it’s going. I can’t tell Sarah that maybe I don’t want my life to go the way I thought it would at the beginning of this “mess.” I just want someone to talk to. Someone to listen. Not be wrapped up in complaining about their own lives, or computers, or TVs, or any of the other bullshit that seems to become way to important suddenly. I want to feel important. I want to feel like I matter to more than just Sarah. I’m just sick of the whole mess. I graduate Saturday. Saturday.

Saturday we planned on everyone who is invited to my graduation ceremony (Beth, Doug, and their three kids, Mike, Nickie and Kaleigh, Russ and Debi (Josh’s parents), my parents, Sarah, and Josh) to all go out to eat after the ceremony and then we would go to Idlewild, which is just an amusement park. Well, Beth and Doug won’t go because of money and the fact we won’t get there until later in the day. Mike and Nickie somehow forgot my graduation was this Saturday so Kaleigh is going to camp with her friends (convenient, huh?) so they won’t go to Idlewild because of money. So that leaves my parents, Josh’s parents, Sarah, Josh, and I. Which is wonderful. I get to spend the day with Josh’s parents and my parents. Nothing special. Oh yeah, and Rick has to go to his girlfriend’s sister’s wedding which is like… 4 hours after my graduation. So, God forbid he actually show ANY concern for my life ever.

Now I’m asking myself why I’m even telling you this, diary. Why tell you? You don’t know about my every day life anymore. You aren’t updated every time there’s a fight, or Sarah does anything cute. So why am I bothering? Maybe because I feel you are the only one right now. Sure I’m risking Josh reading this. Or anyone else. Who cares? No one else obviously does. So screw it.

I miss writing. I don't know what I want to do with my life. College. God. I never thought I'd get to this point. Juggling all these things this fall is going to drive me to the loony bin for sure.

Even this isn't helping the frustration because I'm editing myself. I'm only putting here what is "friendly" to readers who might "happen" to read this. I just want to feel... something. Something happy? Relief? Fun? Carefree? Something. Anything other than this dread. This heaviness on my shoulders. This. This. pain.

So many little things are getting on my nerves. So many. I don't even want to be in the same room as people anymore. Their stupid little habits they probably don't even realize they do are annoying me. I guess I'm just too stressed out and I'm mad at people for not realizing that I can't handle anymore right now. Between my mom complaining that my dad is a lazy slob, Rick complaining about every living thing that everyone in this house does, to Sarah not wanting anyone to hold her but me, I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm sick of being everyone's shitting post. "Got a problem? Sure. Just complain to me." That's what it feels like. Especially with my mom. All she does is complain to me about everything.

I just wanted one day, just one time to get a pat on the back and a "You know what Kristy, for awhile there you had a hard time. But look at what you did. You managed to raise a baby and keep a 3.8 GPA. Good job. I give a damn about you!"

Wishful thinking I guess. That's the only kind of thinking I have left.

I guess I should go to bed. All I'm going to do is start snapping again. I just. I don't even know what the hell I want anymore.

Goodnight.

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