Too much.
06.19.2004, 11:28 p.m.

I now I just wrote. But I've been thinking. I'm bored. I haven't had the free time to be bored. I was finishing school in my free time. I'm graduated. The baby is sleeping. Josh is where ever Josh is. I started thinking "What did I do pre-Josh? What did I do pre-Sarah? What did I do for me?" I couldn't come up with an answer for awhile. And now I remember. I wrote. I wrote. God, if you look in my archives, each day there was at least one entry. Now I'm lucky if there's an entry for a single month! I lost me. I lost the one thing that made me happy. The one thing that made me me. Now I'm just a mom and a girlfriend. I'm not Kristy anymore. I'm Sarah's mom or Josh's girlfriend.

Which brings me to a story. I was in CompUSA buying Josh his Father's day gift. Some guy came up to me and looked at me for a second. He gave me the "I think you're cute" look. So I thought, "Hey, someone still thinks I'm cute! Woohoo! Go me!" And instead, he says "Do I know you? Did you go to Plum?" I was defeated. I said "Yeah." He told me his name. I said "Nope. I don't know you. But I recognize you." Then I realized, he works in a COMPUTER store. He went to PLUM. That means one of one things, he knows Josh. I said "Do you know Josh L.?" He said "Yeah, I do." I said "Yeah. I'm his girlfriend." Then recognition clicked in. I'm his stupid whore of a girlfriend who got herself pregnant. Nevermind. Not interested in you. He then told me that he saw Josh leaving class the other night. I thought in my head "That's wonderful for you. Leave me alone."

That's my mentality lately. Leave. Me. Alone. Honestly. Just leave me alone. But don't leave me alone alone. Just. I don't know. I went back and read some of my old entries. Where I wrote not about my life, but short stories (as I call them). And. God. My heart aches. I mean. My heart aches. I miss that. I miss writing. I guess with all the school and baby raising and trying to keep Josh and I functioning. I forgot about keeping me functioning. I lost all of the online friends I used to talk to. Frankly, I don't have much in common with them anymore. I lost my muse. I lost my feeling like a young adult. Now I just feel like 19 going on 30 or 40 instead of 20. I just feel lost.

I decided to go on google.com and look for websites with short stories or prose or writing. And I got a bunch of crap sites. So I decided to look through diaryland's diaryrings and I got so many of those "This diary hasn't been updated in over 3 months" pages that I decided to give up. Does no one just. WRITE here anymore? Or is it all just people talking about life. I remember you used to go to some good quality diaries before. Now it seems everyone is just writing a few paragraphs or sentences about their lives every few months. I just miss it.

I guess everyone went to livejournal or some other site. Hell. I don't update the baby diary anymore. There's nothing to say. There's no pictures. There's no layout. There's just... words. I want one thing in my life to be about *me*. Not about Sarah, Josh, my parents, Josh's parents, my sister or brothers, or nieces or nephew. About me. I want one space for me.

In all honesty, I guess that's too much. I really honestly believe that's too much.

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too
easy

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