Maybe someday.
07.11.2004, 12:18 a.m.

I need you. Right now. And I don't know how to tell you that. There is no way to tell you that. I feel my fingers slipping over the edge and you are turned, looking at something else. Not hearing the screams. Not noticing that I'm not beside you anymore. Maybe that's how it was supposed to turn out. Maybe that's how it's going to end up anyway. Maybe it's better that way.

But God do I need you now. I need to feel your arms around my shoulders telling me it will be ok, when deep down in my heart I fear the opposite. I need to feel your almost crushing hug. But that's good. That's what I need. I need to hear you say the words. I need it to not be as your walking out the door. Going somewhere else. Again. I need you to know that I understand. But I really don't want to. I want you to be able to answer more of her "Daddy's". Is that ever going to happen? Is it just wishful thinking? Or am I just hoping for the fucked up to perfect family transformation that still hasn't happened after almost a year and a half. My heart is breaking. Can you tell?

I think there's something your not saying. I know there's something I'm not. But right now, I don't want to talk. I just want to be next to you. With no TV, no lights. Just you. and me. Not even Sarah. She's asleep. So it could work. I'm scared I'm losing the only thing that has ever made me feel real, happy, complete. I feel the same distance and "so many things I wish I could say". That must be the story of my life, right? Then when I finally say them, it always bites me in the ass.

I'm sorry if I haven't been what you've wanted lately. Maybe neither of us is living up to the other's expectations. Maybe that's the feeling I get. I miss the butterflies, the long kisses, the hugs that weren't "on-the-go". I feel like we're going to fall victim. And, God. How I don't want that to happen. Maybe we are really two different people who just happened to go for awhile, but now our ride is over. Maybe I'm just holding out for her sake. I don't want her to have the "missing daddy" syndrome. Maybe I'm just afraid of entering the world again without you. I'm so confused right now. And I don't know how to get you.

She saw her friend with her dad today and looked back at our house like "Wait, she has her daddy, where is mine?" Can a 16, almost 17, month old realize that? Sometimes I think she can, regardless of what other people say. I'm sick of days like this. Is there another year and a half of them to follow?

I don't know what I'm doing here. I just wish you would pick up. I'm sorry if I called when you were still at work. I didn't know when you go off. Suddenly, I realize I don't keep track of your work or school schedule. When you come around, you come around. Maybe not that free, but I don't write it down or plan anything anymore. Why plan when everything gets messed up anyway? I'll just keep doing my thing, and when you want, you can join too. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this. Maybe I'm just emotional right now. But I want to hear your voice. I want to feel your arms. And I want to see your eyes. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow. Whenever that is. Maybe not. They invited me to go with them again. I was going to discuss it with you tonight. But you never answered. Never called back.

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. It's almost 1. I should go to bed. But I can't. I just sit here. Crying. Scared and angry. I'm sick of my life being up in the air. I want to plan. I want some stability. I don't want what they have. I want what we had.

I miss the way your eyes used to pierce into mine when I talked. Now it's a guessing game as to whether my words will sink in or not. I think we are both in over our heads.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of these games. God. All I can think about is the feel of our arms and the smell of your shirt. And the tone you get when I'm in one of these moods. The one where you know I might fly off the edge, but you are going to do everything you can to stop it. I've never felt this way for this long of a period of time while you've been around. Never. (Not counting the post partum depression, but come on, that really doesn't count. Neither does the beginning of "us".) I miss feeling free when with you. I miss standing in the rain. It's raining now...

I think what makes it worse is my mom said she thinks you lied about where you are. I don't know why. You've never done it before. But the more I sit here and think. The more the pieces of the puzzle fit (or is it I would rather believe that than the other things flying in my head?) I've been so much in lala land lately. I don't know what's going on.

I hate when I get like this. But it's not often that I really feel this overwhelming need for you. Even if I do, I normally supress it. I really am different than I was then. It's scary to think of where I was then...

There's no use being here I guess. I should just go to bed. Pretend to be fine tomorrow. Maybe delete this before you realize I've updated.

Maybe that's what I'll do.

Maybe.

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