in over my head.
10.25.2005, 1:00 a.m.

i am in over my head.

i am kicking and thrashing and straining to get to the top. just to break the surface. just to feel the brisk air before i plunge back down.

i can see the surface. i can see it rolling into waves. just out of my reach. i can see the sky, the birds, the sun. i see the relief. i can almost feel the air caressing my cheek and the sun warming my skin. i can feel the oxygen flooding my aching lungs. i can almost feel the hot sand under my feet as i emerge out of the icy depths.

instead i feel the icy cold water surrounding me. it's biting my exposed skin threateningly. i feel my lungs aching for pure, sweet, beautiful oxygen. but as i take a breath all i get is salty, chilly water that chokes me. my legs and arms are aching from trying to reach the surface. but i keep reaching and striving to break through. i feel my clothes drenched in the salt water and they weigh me down further.

my mind races with thoughts of survival, with tactics and plans. i feel the icy grip on my ankles pulling me farther into the dark, cold depths. slowly, the bright, warm surface becomes nothing but a speck of light in the distance.

i want to kick free, but how? i feel the cold water get colder.

i break free. i start toward the surface. i can almost taste the sweet, salty air. i stretch my hand upward to try and reach salvation. i'm almost there. i'm almost free from the cold water. my fingertips break through the surface.

i start sinking again. the thoughts of survival slowly get erased by thoughts of the inevitable.

i'm in over my head. there is nothing i can do to save myself. i embrace the icy, cold water. i breathe in a giant, salty breath. my lungs are flooded by water. there is no hope.

i am hopelessly in over my head.

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