footprints in the sand.
2.22.2001, 7:28 pm.

i love reading mike's old entries. his entries from before he met me. the entries from june. true, i met him on june 30th. but just love reading them. why? i have no idea. but i've probably read each one close to a hundred times. just because then, i feel like his emotions were raw, he was more intuned to what he felt. now, i guess, i feel like he kind of sugar coats it. but maybe i'm wrong. i just..love reading those older entries. when i miss him, i read those. maybe i feel closer to him when i read them. maybe because i can relate to that part of him so well. when i first read his diary, that's what i felt. i felt like he was part of me. not just like some of the other diaries i read. but i felt like..every emotion he felt, flowed through my veins. sometimes, i can still find a diary like that. i find that in marilyn's diary, but moreso before she started over this time. i can relate to a lot of the diaries. but some..just feel like..they are part of me.

anyway, my mom found out today that the school has to send someone to tutor me. or teach me or whatever. and that i still have a possibility of getting passed 10th grade this year. just not passing all the courses. i don't really care if i pass french. i mean..it's an elective..i only need 3 years of it to go into liberal arts, and i don't know what i'm doing yet. so..yeah.

i slept all day today. i went to bed after 4 in the morning. i slept til 2:30 when mike called. then i talked to him for around an hour and a half. then fell back alseep til my mom came home, sometime after 6:30. and i'm still tired.

i hate when my life gets like this. when i can go to bed anytime, sleep away the day, and just go back to bed. i just float in and out of consciousness, not caring about anything. not caring about living, breathing, eating. anything. it's like the time i had at angel-devil. in the beginning. then off and on from there. i'm really like that now. and i'm content with it. i'm not happy about it. but i'm too tired to change it. too tired emotionally, physically, and mentally. it's ridiculous that a 16 year old girl can become like this. just..floating around. not caring if i live or die.

i found that...one thing i look forward to is my singing lessons. once a week. before they were a half an hour on mondays. not they are 45 minutes on wednesdays. she has me singing a song 'if i loved you' so i can audition for a part in 'the sound of music.' she believes i could get a part in the musical, but she doesn't know if they have any part for someone my age. she believes in me. no one has ever...believed in me. my last singing teacher wanted me to be in the junior mendalson. but, she decided to leave. but now, bridgette thinks i can get a part in the musical 'the sound of music.' it's a great feeling. one of my dreams is to be on broadway. i may have social anxiety disorder, but one thing i can do is get up in front of people. i can distance myself from them so much that, i begin to believe they aren't real. they don't exist.

so..that's where i am now..just floating. dreaming of a better life, yet not knowing how to achieve it. i wanna put my favorite poem/prose/whatever it is in here. it's religous, so be forewarned.

footprints
one night a man had a dream. he dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. across the sky flashed scenes from his life. for each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

when the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. he noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. he also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

this really bothered him, and he questioned the Lord aobut it. "Lord, you said that once i decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. but i have noticed that, during the most troublesome times of my life, there is only one set of footprints. i don't understand why, when i needed you most, you would leave me."

the Lord replied, "my precious, precious child, i love you and i would never leave you. during your timed of trial and suffering, when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that i carried you."